The Fat Tuesday Affair
by MLaw
Summary: Napoleon and Illya return to the Big Easy for Mardi Gras. Written for the HODOWE: Shrove Tuesday/Mardi Gras/Carnivale story challenge on the UNCLE HQ forum.


**"The Fat Tuesday Affair"  
><strong>

It was _Mardi Gras _time in New Orleans and having a few days off, Napoleon Solo dragged his partner there to experience a bit of Americana and Louisiana tradition.

"I do not understand, you Americans have so may obscure holidays, _Groundhog Day, __National Anthem Day, Johnny Appleseed Day, Liberty Day, __Maple Syrup Saturday _but mind you, is nowhere near _National Pancake Day_ and neither is close to _National Maple Syrup Day_. _Not to mention New Year's Day, Chinese New Year, Abraham Lincoln's Birthday, George Washington's Birthday, St. Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Arbor Day, Easter, April Fool's Day, Mother's Day Memorial, Day, Flag Day, Father's Day, Independence Day, Labor Day."_

He paused to take a breath. "_Labor Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Veteran's Day, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas._ It boggles the mind... and oh yes, lest I forget this, _Mardi Gras. _These holidays all reek of nothing but attempts by capitalistic greeting card companies and retail shops to bilk the people of their hard earned _kopeks_...umm, I meant money and smacks of self-indulgence and over-indulgence."

"Are you finished?" Solo looked at him with amazement, thinking he should be used to Illya's rants. "Okay, I get the picture," he added, stopping his partner from going on ad nauseam. "You know you can really be a _party pooper _sometimes."

"I am sure I could recall more if you like," he grinned at the American, knowing full well he was annoying him just a little. "

"That's not exactly the over-indulgence I had in mind."

"Then I apologize for being a _party pooper_ as you say, so _regale_ me of this Mardi Gras tradition."

For a moment his partner shook his head in dismay, then took a deep breath. "As you know _Mardi Gras_ in French means _Fat Tuesday _and refers to the practice of the last night of eating richer foods before the ritual fasting of the _Lenten_ season, which begins tomorrow on _Ash Wedne__sday_."

"Oh yes, _Ash Wednesday_ and _Lent,_ some other days of significance that I neglected to mention..."

Napoleon gave him a bit of the stink-eye. "Are you going to let me continue?"

"Pardon me, _please_ do so." Illya hid a bemused smile.

"Well _here_, French colonists introduced Mardi Gras to the new world in 1766. The custom became popular among New Orleans Catholics and soon spread to other southern states, but the New Orleans Mardi Gras is the most famous, and infamous." Napoleon answered." This one here is the Rex parade, just one of many going on in the city today."

Illya nodded his head, listening carefully and when Napoleon was finished, he spoke. "There was once a similar concept to Mardi Gras in Russia, known as _Maslenitsa _and was a week long celebration."

"Okay so tell me more." Napoleon crossed his arms in front of his chest, thinking he had just opened the proverbial Pandora's box.

"It was also known as _Pancake Week_, focusing on _blini_, dollar-size yeast-raised pancakes topped with caviar, sour cream and smoked salmon, or sweet toppings." The Russian's eyes lit up as he said that. "Their round shape and warm serving temperature were considered evocative of the sun, that people longed for by that time of year. Thinner, crepe-like pancakes known as _blinchiki_ and doughnuts called _pyshki_ were also special dishes served during the week."

"_Maslenitsa_ began as a pagan ritual and was absorbed into the Eastern Orthodox religion, serving many purposes as it signalled the exit of winter and heralded the coming of spring. As a part of pre-Lenten celebrations, it is also was a last fling of sorts like your Fat Tuesday, against the upcoming fast. Because meat and dairy were traditionally forbidden during the fasting of Lent, _Maslenitsa _was the time for feasting, especially on pancakes. The name of the festival had its roots in "_maslo_."

"That's Russian word for butter," Napoleon interjected.

"Correct. Though the cupboards were emptied not to be over-indulgent, it was done so as to not waste food which was quite precious."

"There was also a celebration of military history; a traditional "storming" of a snow fort and group fist fights were undertaken during the week, commemorating then time when soldiers fought each other in hand-to-hand combat, but this fist fighting was supposed to be just in good fun."

_"Never hit a man when he is down_," a Russian proverb, has its roots in _Maslenitsa_. Violations of this rule were supposed to be punished severely but, as always, rules were made to be broken. Once in Moskva during the mid-17th century more than 200 men were killed as a result of these mock battles."

"Originally, the festivities were held honoring the pagan deity _Veles_, who was the patron of cattle and farming. People associated him with a bear, considered a sacred animal possessing magical healing power. Some even thought of a bear to be a creature stronger than the devil himself. Dancing like a bear around the house was supposed to protect it from burning down. Such behavior was considered sinful and therefore condemned by the Church and it tried to uproot the tradition and the festival."

"Performing bears and their trainers were once frequent sights in _Moskva _because of the festival_ both man and beast would be served large quantities of vodka, resulting in a wrestling match between tamer and bear, and as one might surmise, the bear often gaining the upper hand."

"Bonfires were lit and a straw personification of the _Lady of Maslenitsa_ was burned in a bonfire. Leftover pancakes and blini were tossed in as well, and when the fire had burned away and Lady _Maslenitsa_ was reduced to ashes, they were either buried in the snow or scattered across the fields to fertilize the future crops. In the pre-Christian era instead of the effigy a living person was burnt, torn into parts and scattered in the fields to assure rich crops, but that tradition was banned after 17th century."

Napoleon cringed at that, "Peachy."

"After that a woman from the community was chosen to dress as _the Lady _and was said that she should be _cheerfully_ thrown in a snowbank in order to complete the welcome of spring. There were many other activities such as _Troika _sleigh rides, theater, puppets, singing, and fireworks, all part of the celebrations. Children dressed in costumes for the occasion walking from house to house, singing, _Ankes-pankes_bake the pancakes_, begging treats to enjoy at their festive parties, not unlike your Halloween. So you Americans must have gotten the idea from Russian traditions."

"Illya, Halloween has it's origins in Ireland, not Russia. People dressed up to disguise themselves to hide from the spirits of their dead on _All Hallows_ _Eve_, so they wouldn't follow them home and haunt them. That tradition that was brought here by Irish immigrants..."

"Oh." Illya barely acknowledged it, continuing without missing a beat.

Napoleon smiled, enjoying Illya's enthusiasm, as it was rare the man spoke of his home in the Soviet Union. There were times he suspected that he'd experienced a life of extreme deprivation, given his partner had been orphaned during the war. Those were surely hard times, so hearing of this pre-Lenten festival made him feel that at least Illya surely had this to enjoy, even though he was a self-proclaimed atheist.

"_Maslenitsa_ was simply an excuse to go out and have a good time, eat until you burst, and do something you wouldn't do any other time of the year before you had to give up the good things in life. Once Lent itself began, a strictly kept fast excluded meat, fish, dairy products, and eggs. Parties, music, dancing and other distractions from the spiritual life were also strictly prohibited. So I suppose it was very much like your Mardis Gras in some respects, except for _that._" He pointed at a nearly nude woman cavorting on a passing float.

Her behavior was even too much for the local constabulary, who climbed up, hauling her off wrapped a blanket as she called out her drunken protests.

Ignoring the incident, Illya continued his oratory."_Maslenitsa was_ banned by the government, but the food shortages and ensuing famines, especially in the Ukraine helped eliminate it for the most part. These traditions simply vanished as they were officially done away with five years after the creation of the U.S.S.R in 1917, so I myself never experienced any of it. I gave up any such religious-based traditions and beliefs when I was eight," Illya said with a _blaisé_ attitude.

"The government did the Orthodox church a favor by banning the festival, but then the church found itself banned as well."

"You know your history don't you...sounds like it _would_ have been your kind of holiday, lots of food, vodka, fights and dancing bears" Napoleon tried to smile, but he was disappointed that Illya had never been a part of those celebrations. He could only presume the Soviet State had erased what religious up-bringing his partner had as a child, but wondered if there was something more, an incident perhaps, that had that turned him to not believing in God.

Napoleon was disappointed that his partner never got to experience _Maslenitsa, so it_ was no wonder Illya seemed so disdainful at all the over- indulgence he was witnessing.

They stood together watching the parade with it's masked marchers dressed in outrageous and sometime scantily clad costumes. Ornate floats drawn by tractors, cars and trucks with barely clothed women tossed trinkets, colorful strands of beads and commemorative _doubloons_ coins to the people below. Marching bands passed, as well as raucous groups of musicians playing Dixieland jazz. That at least intrigued the Russian, but he did tilt his head, with one eyebrow raised as he watched the jiggling, half naked women go by on a few of the floats.

"Such scandalous depravity," he mumbled under his breath.

Napoleon could only chuckle at his partner's reaction. "Mardi Gras is steeped in tradition as well my friend and not just about the _frolics_. Its King Cakes, Krewes, Grand Balls, parades, costumes, throwing of Doubloons, beads, lots of other trinkets and fabulous music are all just a part of the big picture." Napoleon smiled, then laughed as one of those scantily clad women tossed a handful of beads and doubloons, hitting his partner right in the face with them.

He reached down, grabbing the Mardi Gras treats, draping the beads over his and Illya's head, stuffing a few the commemorative coins into his jacket pocket as keepsakes.

The procession was led by the Captain of the Rex Organization, known only by the title "_Bathurst_." Completely masked riding his white mount, he acknowledged the crowd as he lead the parade down St. Charles Avenue.

Placed at intervals throughout the parade were His Majesty's lieutenants, riding in groups of three, wearing gold-trimmed velvet uniforms of the King's colors, purple, green, and gold, the official colors of Mardi Gras selected in the last century. The first Rex assigned a meaning to each, purple represented justice, green stood for faith and gold signified power and these were displayed throughout the parade on the floats, costumes and flags.

Then a grandiose float slowed in front of them, covered in rich carpets, tapestries and a large canopy in the shape of a velvet crown suspended over a solitary man. Rex, the King of Mardi Gras, sat on his rich throne dressed in white and gold robes with a long fur-trimmed cape, wearing a bejeweled crown and holding his scepter in his hand.

The King's float stopped and from atop it, Rex greeted his subjects at _Gallier Hall_, there he exchanged greetings with the city's leaders, and at the official reviewing stand at the newly built _Hotel Intercontinental_ he paused to toast the Queen of Carnival and the Rex Court, offering a raised glass of champagne with a nod of his head. King Rex was the only one of the Krewe of Rex, whose identity was known. All the knights and other male members wore masks and their identities always remained secret.

Not far behind the Kings float was an enduring symbol of Mardi Gras, the _Boeuf Gras_, the figure of a giant white cow. Riders on this float were dressed as masked cooks, another symbol of the feasting on "Fat Tuesday" before the austerity of Lent. Other permanent floats included the Royal Barge, His Majesty's Bandwagon, and the Royal Calliope.

Napoleon pointed to the King. "That's my buddy Sam Thom. And we my friend are invited to the Krewe of Rex masquerade ball tonight. As you would expect from the most exclusive and elite Krewes in New Orleans, it will be an evening of gowns, glamour and gossip."

"A costume party?" the Russian blurted out, " You know I dislike such bourgeois and decadent displays. They are dangerous, you have no idea who is around you. And besides I do not have a costume, so I will pass." Illya said with a wave of his hand, dismissing the idea.

"Not bourgeois at all tovarisch, since its founding in back in 1872, a few years after the civil war, Krewe Rex has constantly held itself to a tradition of public service. The Rex motto, "_Pro Bono Publico_"_...for the public good_, was adopted that long ago and it continues to define the organization's commitment to service, so it's not about decadence at all.

Illya gave him a look indicating he had been impressed by that fact, but the idea of dressing in a costume for amusement did not please him at all. It was only when on a mission requiring a disguise did such a thing meet his approval. He was not liking this Mardi Gras _thing_ as it seemed to be unfolding. Unlike _Maslenitsa, _this holiday seemed to focus on extremes of over-indulgence, where as back in Russia it was about clearing the pantry of forbidden foods so they did spoil and go to waste before the time of deprivation began. Though for some Russians, it was always a time of deprivation, Illya recalled his upbringing in the orphanages and training with the GRU.

In spite of what Napoleon had told him, this Mardi Gras still seemed all too decadent for him. He was a man of simple tastes and not prone to excesses.

"Don't concern yourself about a costume," Napoleon laughed. "Never fear partner of mine, I've seen to it that you have a costume for this evening. And you _will_ go and have fun. That's an order."

A moment of panic soured Illya's stomach, suddenly feeling concerned as to what sort of contrivance had been selected for him. There was definite fear, knowing Solo's propensity toward the extravagant.

Napoleon saw the pained look on the shaggy blonds face. "Don't worry it's mostly black, with a mask and you even get to carry a sword."

Knowing there would be no choice in the matter, Illya's mind went to imagining who that black costume depicted, then his thoughts switched to that of his partner's clothing. "Please tell me you are not dressing as Napoleon Bonaparte, Julius Caesar, or some such person?"

"No I will be bedecked in a satin waistcoat, breeches and a gorgeous green silk jacket as Jean Lafite, French pirate and privateer. You know his fortification was only 23 miles south of New Orleans in Barataria."

"If I say yes, will you spare me the history lesson?" Illya teased. Normally he would have enjoyed hearing a bit of history, but he was too distracted about the costume.

"Smart aleck."

.

Illya was furious when he emerged from his bedroom in their hotel_,_ clothed in the costume his partner had arranged for him.

"You said it was black!" He seethed from behind his mask.

Napoleon stood in front of him grinning from ear to ear. "I said it was _mostly_ black... the cape is black, and you have the mask and sword as promised, though I did forget to mention the feathered hat."

Illya was dressed in a black and white striped leotard, with matching boots and a white pleated shirt with long billowing sleeves. There was a short black cape attached at each shoulder, with a double black satin cord draped across his hat was in the French style with large white ostrich plumes, and the mask covered only the upper portion of his face, having an elongated nose not unlike Cyrano de Bergerac.

"I have to admit tovarisch with your body type you can really carry it off." Napoleon said happily.

"And who exactly am I supposed to be?" The Russian huffed.

"You're the spitting image of _Stewart Granger_ in the movie _Scaramouche, _well except his hair was black of course."

"Scaramouche." Illya repeated. "Ah yes the film was about a fictitious character _André-Louis Moreau_, a nobleman's bastard in the days of the French revolution. _Noel, the Marquis de Mayne,_ kills his best friend. André declares himself the Marquis's enemy and vows to avenge his friend. He hides out, a wanted man, as an actor in a commedia troupe, masquerading as the supposedly hideous thespian Scaramouche and spends his days learning how to handle a sword to exact his _revenge."_

Illya made sure he put a distinct emphasis on the last word.

"This at least I am comfortable with." The Russian half-smiled, drawing his rapier from the scabbard and swishing it in a figure eight in front of himself. "It has been a while since I have handled a sword. "Feels good, but the costume..."

Before Illya could complain any further his partner asked his opinion of his own attire. The senior agent wore a hunter-green silk double breasted coat with ruffled shirt sleeve cuffs, sported a white cravat, black pantaloons and knee high black leather boots with a white trim on the top of each. He too had a sword hung from a belt at his waist, and had even combed his hair forward, giving it a more 10th century period look.

"Your costume would have suited me better, as my ancestors dressed..." Illya suddenly stopped himself, almost having slipped at revealing something from his guarded past.

"And your ancestors _dressed_...?" Napoleon tried to cajole him into finishing the sentence.

"Never mind, nothing important." Illya cut him off. " Yes your costume is quite nice, if you had a moustache you would look just like _Yul Brynner_ in the movie, _The Buccaneer_, since we are tossing out movie references. I do have my disguise kit with me, perhaps a false moustache appliance..." He countered, then grinned. "Did you know that Brynner is Russian, from Vladivostok and part Romani gypsy by the way?"

Napoleon gave his partner one of his sneers. "No thanks." He tucked his Walther beneath his jacket, straightening his cuffs with a tug.

"And where am I supposed to put my weapon? This costume is skin tight and there is no jacket." Illya again complained.

"You'll figure something out." Solo smiled as he opened their door, exiting to the hallway.

Illya clicked his tongue, then quickly tucked his gun beneath his feathered hat, placing it on his head and following after his partner with a deep sigh.

They arrived via taxi to an enormous two story antebellum Southern mansion where the Rex Ball was being held. Crowds of costumed party goers surged past large fluted columns supporting the long eave as they made their way to the front entrance.

Napoleon presented their ornate gold embossed invitations to the security guard dressed as a turn of the century butler, wearing black tails and a powdered wig. Once given the once over, they were granted entrance to the private celebration.

"Ah, ya'll are special guests of the King," He said, snapping his fingers for a similarly dressed man to step forward. "Take these gentlemen to their seats on the dais please."

"Hmm," Napoleon winked, "It's _good_ to know the King."

Illya rolled his eyes...

They were escorted through the immense ballroom with the people already there dancing to a waltz, clothed in every imaginable type costume. There were devils, angels, people dressed as Abe Lincoln, and Andrew Jackson and it was no surprise that there were several Napoleon Bonapartes as well. Most of the women were dressed in elegant satin and silk hoop skirted gowns, looking like Southern belles that had just stepped out of Civil war era, with their hair pinned up in bouncy sausage curls.

As Illya and Napoleon passed, several of them lowered their ornate gilt masks, practically salivating at the two U.N.C.L.E. agents; Illya noticing that some of the ladies had rather low-cut bodices.

"My costume is not appropriate," Illya whispered, "It is too tight and revealing, what if I...?"

"Get _excited_?" Napoleon laughed, "With this many gorgeous women around, I'd be worried about you if you didn't. Illya just relax, have fun...indulge yourself for once. It was then he swore he heard this partner growl.

They were seated to the right of what looked like a throne. A large high back gold framed chair, with a purple velvet seat and backing. No doubt Sam's seat as of the King of the Carnival.

Waiters also costumed as servants in black clothing with powdered wigs approached them, offering them glasses filled with bubbling champagne and dishes with filled with canape_ thin slices of toasted bread spread with caviar, cheese and other savory toppings.

"So still sorry you came?" Napoleon asked.

Illya sniffed. "I suppose not, but I reserve the right to withhold my full judgement just yet." Then he popped a caviar canape into his mouth.

Suddenly the air was filled with the fanfare of trumpets. A man dressed as a herald called out loudly in French.

"_Écoutez, Écoutez, Mesdames et Messieurs_ listen listen, ladies and gentlemen._ I give you the King's court.

First a group of masked men, wearing 17th century style French costumes entered and took their place along the red carpet. These were the King's Dukes and were accompanied by their lovely debutante escorts dressed in white gowns.

Next the Queen and King of the Mardi Gras were announced as they stepped forward to the carpet.

"I give you Rex Samuel Thom, King of the Mardi Gras and his Queen consort Mrs. Marie Soulé.

Sam Thom entered through the door beside the dais to begin the Grand March around the ballroom as the trumpets blared again. The crowds cheered, but then the King staggered, reaching out towards Napoleon. He fell forward onto the red carpet, with a knife protruding from the middle of his back. The Queen standing beside him, let out a shriek then fainted dramatically into the arms of one of the Dukes.

Guests gasped and screamed as Napoleon rushed to his friends side, kneeling, checking for a pulse and thankfully finding one.

He looked to Illya, watching as the Russian dashed through the door into the back corridor. There seeing two figures dressed as swordsmen, one of them in the blue cape of a Kings Musketeer running down the hall.

Kuryakin took off after them at full speed, not waiting for his partner.

The men stopped suddenly turning to Illya. "_Engarde!_" One of them shouted, drawing his sword, the other following suit. Together they charged the U.N.C.L.E. agent, making him skid to a stop, bunching the carpet beneath his feet, nearly tripping himself.

Illya drew his sword, diving to the side as they both lunged at him, but his quick reaction parried their blades out of the way. "_C'est passé,_" he snickered boastfully, then lunged out with his rapier, nicking one of them in the bicep.

"_Et là!___and there_!" The Russian shouted in French, a typical term used when scoring a hit during a fencing match. Except this was no fencing match.

Two more Musketeers appeared behind his opponents; Illya deciding that it was best to make a hasty retreat, thinking of the old proverb... _Beda nikogda ne prikhodit odna_trouble never comes alone._

He swept out again with his rapier, turning his wrist to envelop both his opponents blades, disarming one of them in the process before running, heading towards the ballroom door.

Illya charged through. "NAPOLEON!" He shouted, "Company is coming!"

The four men were hot on Kuryakin's tail, coming through the door right after him with their sharp weapons in hand.

Napoleon jumped to his feet, drawing his own sword, engaging two of the men in a duel while Illya took on the others.

The costumed crowds remaining in the ballroom watched, gasping in fear yet fascinated as the the men dressed as Scaramouche and Jean Lafite battled four swordsmen.

Illtya and followed by his opponents climbed across one of the buffet tables sending food and exploding champagne bottles flying in every direction.

Illya performed the _coupé_, an indirect attack of deception that passed around the tip of one of his opponent's blade. Following a feint, he pulled his rapier up and over the parrying blade, but his thrust was blocked as well.

Thy leapt from one table to another, finally Illya jumped down to the floor, staertling one of the young debutantes as he landed beside her. "Pardon me, " he said out of breath, when one of the swordsmen charged him.

Standing on the tips of his toes and arching his back, the Russian evaded him using _displacement_ and slammed the pommel of his sword against the back of the man's head as he moved past, knocking him out cold. This delighted a crowd of onlookers who cheered and applauded.

Napoleon would leave the athletic antics to his partner, holding his ground, he parried, thrust and feinted while standing in place. Evading every offensive move with the deft turns of his wrist. One of the men lunged at him and he used a parry that moved from a high line to a low line, making a semi-circular movement enveloping and trapping the attacking blade.

Finally, when he saw an opening, he lunged in the classic French style, turning his hand in _pronation __the position of the hand with the palm facing down, stabbing one of the men in the shoulder, taking him down. He finished off his other opponent with a beat-parry, displacing the man's blade, lunging quickly and stabbing him in the thigh, ending his efforts as well.

Illya in the meantime had just made a running charge at his remaining opponent, a move typical of the Russian style of fencing. He leapt forward performing the classic _ballestra_, a leaping lunge that gained the ground he needed to reach the Musketeer, when suddenly the man went down, without Illya having even touched him.

He looked to Napoleon; the Russian seeing his partner standing there with a smile on his face as he held his Walther in his hand, giving him a little wave and a nod.

"Why did you dart him?" Illya demanded." I was having fun. You did order me to have fun and indulge myself, did you not?"

"Sorry, would you like me to _revive_ him for you?"

"No thank you, I have lost the mood." Illya huffed, wiping the blood from his blade on one of the white linen napkins, then tossing it to a table without a second thought.

Local police arrived; the U.N.C.L.E. agents showed their identification and the four men were arrested for the attempted murder of Samuel Thom, who had been whisked off to the hospital and would recover.

The culprits were apparently members of one of the Krewes that had fallen into disfavor and had a personal grudge against the current Rex in regards to some substantial gambling debts they owed him. Their logic was to eliminate Samuel Thom and the debts would go away...

As the agents left the mansion they found the night streets still filled with costumed revellers and plenty of Dixieland echoing in the air.

"Well that was interesting," Napoleon said." "So now what, back to the hotel room? Or we can hit one of the bars and you can listen to some jazz. Will that make you happy?"

Just then a pair of blonde belles dressed in pristine white gowns walked up to them, each taking them by the arm.

"You gentlemen were so _très galant_ back there, we have never seen such skills with a blade." They purred with delightful Louisianan drawls.

"Oh there's quite a few other skills we could show you." Napoleon smiled charmingly at them as they giggled behind their feathered fans. Now this was more the type of over-indulgence he had in mind.

"So still don't like Mardi Gras tovarisch?"

"I think it is beginning to _grow _on me," the Russian smiled as he and his partner strolled off into the night with their comely companions, heading toward their hotel in the French Quarter."

_C'est fini..._


End file.
